It’s late May. School’s almost over. I am about to receive a PhD in psychology. The weather is nice. I should be happy but I’m not. It’s not that I’m unhappy. The best description I can make is that I’m confused.

I have been a high school mathematics teacher for about 14 years. I love teaching teenagers. However, I am starting to think that my mathematics teaching days are numbered. I used to think that I could answer any unknowns through mathematics. Now I am not so sure. I feel like I am losing my passion for teaching all things abstract, which is a big part of math…at least at the high school level…the way we are supposed to teach it.

On top of all this, I recently received the results of my kids’ mandated state tests. In previous years, my students performed these tests and were ranked in the 75th percentile. About 75% passed these tests. (This is not the metric that the state uses but I don’t really care about that.) This year was different. A few weeks ago I apologized to my students because I felt like I didn’t teach with “my A game.” I felt as if I failed them. Then came the test results and my fears were confirmed; my students percentile dropped to the 58th percentile. On top of that, only about 50% of them passed the test. It is a guilt that I am having a hard time releasing.

Now let me be clear about this; I am not a big believer in standardized testing. I believe that the SAT and the ACT are biased tests that tell us little about the student. No, I am not scared that these test results will get me fired. If they want to judge me on these results, then go ahead; they are not a measure of my self-worth. However, when mediocre scores are in line with my self-assessment of a mediocre performance, than I become worried that I am not serving my students well.

I know my students and their parents still love me and I know that administrators believe that my unorthodox methods are ineffective. (My department head is moving me up the mathematical ladder to teach juniors and seniors next year. I can’t help but think that they are doing this because I can’t hurt their state test scores next year.) I’m okay with that. But the bottom line is that I am starting to realize that my passion to teach mathematics is fading. I’d rather help these kids with their psychological issues, teach them non-mainstream psychology and help them with their personal growth. Maybe its time to switch from teaching math to teaching psychology or serving in some other psychological capacity. (I have decided a few weeks ago to take the test to be certified as a psychology teacher.)

This confusion is not isolated in my educational side. I recognized this in the past year and it is really gaining momentum. Next month, I am being awarded my PhD in psychology. I am very proud of this and the results of my dissertation. However, I am not sure what I am going to do with the degree. I enjoy teaching but I feel like I am growing beyond that and it is not the best position to help reform education. I have nurtured many ideas through me lately; teaching psychology at a college, helping to run a private school, teaching teachers an alternative way to secondary education, etc. My latest idea is to start a non-profit that does educational research with my unorthodox ideas. Non-Profits are a new idea to me and I am going to try to learn all I can this summer. My point is that I am not sure who I am as a professional.

I have asked myself this question every night I go to bed, hoping the answer will appear in a dream. I have received clues but I have made no conclusions. Then, it hit me. As I was walking home from Starbucks this morning, because I was playing hooky from school today, some deep questions entered my mind; “Where are you an asset and where are you a placeholder? If you’re placeholder, is it worth the effort to become an asset? If you are an asset, is it worth it to up your game?” It really got me thinking. That might be the answers I need to answer to grow and realize who I am professionally. I spoke to my wife not long after that and she agreed. She also helped me realize that this idea is not just in our heads. (She is dealing with similar issues at work.) But it is predicated on how people treat us. That is, do they treat us like a placeholder or an asset? I guess we will find out after some introspection.